Staying Close Without Losing Yourself in Your Relationship
August 5, 2025
Written by: Victoria Silver, M.Ed., Registered Psychologist
Have you ever wondered how to stay connected to your partner without losing yourself? Or questioned how much closeness is too much—or not enough? You’re not alone. Many people long for intimacy in their relationships, but also need breathing room to feel like themselves.
In my work, I often hear clients express tension around this push-and-pull dynamic. Whether you’re craving more togetherness or space, this blog will help you:
Understand closeness and autonomy in relationships
Reflect on your own needs, and
Communicate your preferences to your partner
Let’s explore how to find a balance that feels authentic, connected and sustainable.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE CLOSE?
Relational closeness exists on a spectrum—from being complete strangers to feeling fully intertwined. According to Kelly et al. (1983), four factors help define closeness:
Frequency: How much time do you spend together?
Diversity: In how many different ways do you interact with and impact one another?
Strength: How deeply do you impact one another?
Duration: For how long does this impact last?
Close relationships can give us a sense of belonging and help us cope with stress and adversity. But closeness that’s too enmeshed can feel stifling.
It could be helpful to build a greater sense of autonomy if you:
Feel like you lack personal space or boundaries.
Experience anxiety when you’re apart from your partner.
Feel responsible for your partner’s emotions.
Have trouble identifying who you are outside of the relationship.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE AUTONOMOUS?
Autonomy in a relationship means being connected to and maintaining your sense of self and making choices that align with your values, preferences, and emotional needs, even when you’re in a relationship.
Relationship autonomy is associated with positive behaviours in relationships, such as offering and seeking support, responding constructively to partner mistakes, managing conflict positively, and experiencing greater satisfaction after resolving conflicts.
You might benefit from working on closeness if you:
Find that you have rigid and extreme boundaries.
Feel a lack of connection and intimacy in your relationship.
Feel lonely or isolated.
Tend to neglect the relationship to prioritize your own needs, goals and interests.
FINDING BALANCE
A helpful first step is to reflect on and determine your sense of “ideal closeness” as well as getting a sense of your “actual closeness” in your relationship. This idea, called Closeness Discrepancy, helps us understand how the quality of romantic relationships relates to the feelings of closeness we experience. It also supports the idea that talking openly about your desired levels of closeness and autonomy in your relationships is helpful. If you notice there is a gap between your actual and ideal closeness, remember that needs in relationships can change over time, and your partner may have a very different ideal closeness than you do. This is why having regular, open conversations are important.
Try the following Venn Diagram exercise together or on your own to get you thinking (and communicating) about the closeness-autonomy balance in your relationship(s):
Consider:
Who am I outside of this relationship?
Who are you outside of this relationship?
Who are we together?
You can also reflect on:
What are hobbies and interests for me, you, and us?
What are boundaries for me, you, and us?
Including others in the Venn Diagram (e.g., children, other partners, friends, family members, roommates).
HOW DO WE TALK ABOUT IT?
In addition to the previous exercise, here are some helpful general tips for communication:
Take turns listening with the goal of understanding each other.
Ask each other open-ended questions to invite deeper insight.
Be kind and respectful, even when you disagree.
Reflect back what you hear:
“So what I’m hearing you say is… did I get that right?”
Validate, don’t debate:
“I can see where you’re coming from.”
Examples of expressing needs:
“I feel overwhelmed lately, and I think I need to spend some time alone this weekend to relax and refresh. Can we do our own thing separately on Saturday and then spend some quality time together on Sunday?”
“I feel like we’ve been disconnected from each other lately. I’m really looking forward to reconnecting with you. Is there anything that would help you feel more relaxed and present when we’re together?”
NEXT STEPS
Once you’ve practiced reflecting, identifying and communicating, it’s time to take action with some concrete steps. Below are some ideas for increasing closeness and autonomy, which you are welcome to adapt as needed.
Increasing Closeness:
Try something new together (e.g., making a seasonal “bucket list”).
Deepen the usual conversation to increase intimacy (e.g., using conversation starters, asking open-ended questions).
Show appreciation for each other (e.g., picking up a small gift that made you think of them, being mindful of recognizing positive efforts).
Invite each other into a new area of your life (e.g., trying a hobby or interest that the other really likes, teaching each other about a subject you're interested in).
Practice talking about miscommunications and hurt feelings before they build up into bigger conflicts.
Increasing Autonomy:
Practice emotional regulation on your own first (e.g., having a few deep breaths, writing down how you feel and then asking for support if needed).
Wait to share about your day at the end of the day vs. texting all day long.
Have solo visits with family and friends.
Learn more about yourself and build your sense of self outside of the relationship (e.g., reflecting through journaling, meditating or mindful walks in nature, reading a book or taking a course that helps you reflect on yourself).
Communicate your own feelings and needs.
Tip: If you’re trying something new—like regulating emotions on your own before reaching out—let your partner know. It can prevent misunderstandings and invite support.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Balancing closeness and autonomy is an ongoing practice, not a one-time fix.
If you’re feeling stuck in this dynamic, know that it’s okay to ask for help. A couples or individual therapist can guide you in discovering and communicating your needs more effectively.
Curious to explore this further in therapy? Reach out to one of our therapists at Risewell to book a free consultation. We’re here to support you in building relationships that feel good for you.
FURTHER EXPLORATION
“Where Should We Begin?” podcast and/or card game from Esther Perel
“Small Things Often” podcast from the Gottman Institute
Gottman Card Decks App available from Google Play or Apple
REFERENCES
Duong, J. B., Carta, K. E., Walters, S. N., Simo Fiallo, N., Benamu, D. I., Jumonville, G., Han, S. C., Kim, Y., Margolin, G., & Timmons, A. C. (2023). Relationship closeness as a protective factor against the sensitizing effect of adversity history. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(11), 3752-3780. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231185043 (Original work published 2023)
Hadden, B. W., Rodriguez, L., & Knee, C. R. (2015). Relationship autonomy and support provision in romantic relationships. Motivation and Emotion, 39(3), 359-373. http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s11031-014-9455-9
Hadden, B. W., Baker, Z. G., & Knee, C. R. (2017). Let it go: Relationship autonomy predicts pro-relationship responses to partner transgressions. Journal of Personality, 86(5). http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12362
Frost, D. M., & LeBlanc, A. J. (2021). The complicated connection between closeness and the quality of romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(5), 1237-1255. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211050070 (Original work published 2022)
Kelly, H. H., Berscheid, E., Christensen, A., Harvey, J. H., Huston,T. L., Levinger, G., McClintock, E., Peplau, L. A., & Peterson, D. R. (1983). Close relationships. New York: Freeman.
