The Guilt That Comes with Boundaries—And How to Work Through It
July 1, 2025
Written by: Courtney Edwards, M.C., Registered Provisional Psychologist
Many of us have experienced that awful sinking feeling that arises when we say “No” or express a need. Sometimes, setting a boundary can feel really, really uncomfortable. This fear of letting someone down, creating conflict, being rejected or losing relationships can make you want to hunch your shoulders and feel like hiding. If you’ve felt this way, you aren’t alone. I often see clients struggle with setting boundaries, and sometimes I do too. I’ve lost friendships, capital at work, and confidence in my own judgment after setting difficult boundaries. But why do we feel this way, and what can we do to make setting boundaries easier?
Why do we feel uncomfortable?
Feeling guilt or shame after setting a boundary doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong—it means your nervous system is doing what it’s wired to do: protect connection with others. The feeling that we’ve done something wrong motivates us to repair our relationships. This can happen even when no one else is directly expressing this to us.
Along with guilt, you might also feel shame, a feeling that not only was your action not okay, but that you as a person are also bad or not good enough. This internal dialogue can make you want to curl up, hide, and criticise yourself. You might notice thoughts like “Did I overreact?” or “I should’ve handled that better.” When I’ve felt this way in the past, I’ve also felt pretty intense physical distress. I lost my appetite, my stomach ached and twisted in knots, my heart raced, I felt really cold, and my thoughts scattered all over the place.
This self-criticism comes from a protective place—it’s trying to help you “belong” and avoid future pain. But sometimes, it goes overboard. Self-criticism helps guide and prevent us from violating our own values, morals, and ethics. It prevents us from being viewed as a bad person and helps us avoid losing important relationships. After all, relationships and belonging to our groups are a core part of the human experience and survival. Self-criticism can hurt, in an attempt to force us to push away and expel the “bad” parts of ourselves. We essentially punish ourselves to learn not to make these mistakes again, and these tend to be very effective lessons.
But, what if you’re experiencing guilt and shame despite logically knowing you haven’t done anything wrong? What if you know you’ve done the right thing, but the guilt and shame are so bad that you wind up saying “Yes”, because you’d rather give in than risk the relationship or sitting with that discomfort?
By trying to avoid the discomfort, I let these feelings get in the way of setting and holding my own boundaries. Without the ability to tolerate this fear, I’ve ended relationships abruptly, walked away from opportunities, and missed important events. Like me, you might end up feeling resentful, burnt out, and overwhelmed because you feel like you can’t win.
Instead of avoiding uncomfortable feelings that hinder your ability to set boundaries and cause resentment, what if you learned to handle these emotions more easily? What would make it worth trying? If you could say no when you need to, what would it allow you to do differently?
Therapy-Backed Tools to Help You Feel More Confident with Boundaries
The next time you prepare to set a difficult boundary and dread the discomfort, or if you’re already feeling guilt or shame, guide yourself through these steps:
1. Acknowledge What You’re Feeling
Start by grounding yourself in the present. When your nervous system is calm, it’s easier to handle big emotions. Try this:
Breathe: Take a deep breath in through your nose. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
Stretch: Roll your shoulders. Stretch your arms overhead. Wiggle your fingers and toes.
Notice your body: Are you sitting or standing? What’s beneath you? How does it feel to be supported?
Use your senses: What can you feel, smell, or hear right now? Is your phone warm in your hands? Can you feel the floor under your feet?
Now, gently bring your attention to where the discomfort lives in your body:
Is it a tightness in your chest? A knot in your stomach? A lump in your throat?
Is it heavy or light? Warm or cold? Does it have a texture or colour?
Just notice. You don’t have to fix it. Approach it with curiosity, the way you’d watch clouds moving in the sky.
2. Check the Facts
Ask yourself: Does this guilt or shame actually match what’s happening right now?
If yes, it may be signalling a real mistake or misstep:
Did you express your boundary in a way that felt hurtful or reactive?
If yes, it’s okay to apologize for the delivery, not the boundary itself. Try “I’m sorry I snapped. My boundary still stands, and I should have expressed it more kindly.”
This allows you to stay true to your needs while repairing how it was communicated.
If not, the guilt and shame might be an echo of old patterns:
If your boundary is reasonable, kind, and aligned with your values, then this guilt doesn’t match the facts.
In that case, try a DBT skill called Opposite Action—do the opposite of what guilt is pushing you to do.
Imagine you said “No” to a last-minute request, maybe from a colleague or family member. Instead of apologizing unnecessarily or backtracking, remind yourself: “I didn’t do anything wrong. My time matters.”
Follow it up with a connection such as sending a text or voice note that reinforces the friendship without undoing the boundary: “I hope your day is going well! Looking forward to catching up soon.”
Since you know you didn't do anything wrong, don’t apologize or try to make up for a perceived transgression. It sends mixed messages and ultimately makes your boundaries appear less clear and more negotiable.
3. Comfort Yourself (Without Abandoning Your Boundary).
Self-soothing isn’t about avoiding reality—it’s about supporting your nervous system so you can show up with more authenticity.
Repeat affirmations:
“My needs are valid.”
“It’s okay to set boundaries.”
“I did the right thing even if it’s uncomfortable.”
Reach out:
Get reassurance from someone safe who respects your boundaries.
We are wired for connection, and co-regulating with a trusted person is powerful.
Soothe yourself through your senses:
Take a bath or a hot shower.
Smell some essential oils you like, a candle, or cooking.
Put on a playlist you love.
Go for a drive or a walk outside. Notice the breeze of wind or the heat of the sun.
Snuggle with a family member or pet, or lie under a weighted blanket.
A Loving Reminder
If setting boundaries is new for you, this discomfort is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong; it means you’re doing something new. And like anything new, it gets easier with time, support, and practice.
If you’ve noticed patterns—like feeling unsafe setting boundaries, or a constant harsh inner critic—it might be time to go deeper. Therapy can help you untangle those patterns, build confidence, and learn how to care for yourself without guilt.
Resources
Hear Risewell Psychology’s Dr. Theresa Jubenville-Wood discuss boundaries, burnout, and expressing your limits in situations on the NFF Podcast.
My go-to guide on setting boundaries is "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
If you want to learn to balance self-criticism, consider exploring Self-Compassion with Kristen Neff.
Learn more about DBT Skills and therapy for coping with distress.