Supporting Each Other Through Difficult Times
How to Respond to Emotional Needs in Your Relationships
February 3, 2025
Written by: Victoria Silver (she/her), Registered Psychologist, MEd.
In therapy sessions, I often hear people talk about feeling disconnected or unsure of how to support their loved ones emotionally. It can be a partner who’s going through a tough time at work, a friend going through a painful breakup, or a family member who seems distant. These situations come up a lot, and figuring out how to show up for each other can leave us feeling lost. In this blog post, I’ll provide practical strategies to help you feel more prepared, confident, and connected.
Understanding Emotional Needs
Everyone’s emotional needs are different, as we all have unique ways of giving and receiving support. However, there are a few common ones, including:
Feeling heard and understood.
Being valued and prioritized.
Having emotions validated.
Feeling accepted for who you are.
Having a sense of autonomy and choice.
Feeling safe and able to trust.
Having space and independence.
It’s not your job to meet all of someone’s needs or read their mind, but paying close attention to what they say and do can help you feel more in tune with one another.
Perspective-Taking & Validation
Recognizing when someone needs support often comes down to noticing changes in their mood or behaviour. Sometimes, it requires stepping outside your point of view to try and understand theirs. Here are some simple ways you can do this:
Listen actively.
Pay attention and try to notice their tone of voice and body language as they speak.
Use open-ended questions to learn more.
e.g., “What was that like for you?”, “What’s the most important part of this for you?”
Don’t push it.
Don't force them to if they aren’t ready to talk about it.
Let them know you’re here to listen if and when they’d like to talk and ask if you can support them in a different way.
Reflect back what they’ve shared to make sure you understand.
e.g., “Am I understanding this right?”, “What I’m hearing you say is _____”.
Validate their feelings.
Let them know that their feelings make sense and that you hear them.
Validation is not the same as agreeing - you are just acknowledging that their point of view and feelings are valid.
Validating statements can sound like: “It’s OK that you feel this way” and “I can understand why you’re feeling _____ about this.”
Take time to understand and validate their perspective before offering advice.
Instead of rushing to fix things for them, you can ask, “Would you like advice, or do you just want me to listen?” or “How can I support you with this?”
Offering Support Beyond Validation
While active listening and validation are important, offering support doesn’t stop there. It’s helpful to talk openly with your loved ones about what kind of support they might need, remembering that it can change over time and depending on the situation. Here are a few ideas:
Offer comforting or reassuring words.
Help them problem-solve, offer a positive perspective or highlight their strengths.
Offer physical support, like a hug (if they are comfortable with that).
Take care of practical things, like cooking them a meal or helping with housework.
Spend time together doing something fun or relaxing, like going for a walk or watching a movie.
Give them space when they need it and offer to check in later.
The key is open communication and flexibility; what works in one moment may not be as helpful in another.
When Things Don’t Go Perfectly…
No one will get it right all the time, and that’s OK. Supporting each other is a learning process, and it’s normal to make mistakes. Here are some tips for handling missteps:
Check in with yourself first. Try to get clear about your own feelings and needs before you start talking (whether you are asking for or giving support).
Be honest about your limits. If you can’t give your full support, let them know and encourage them to reach out to other supports and practice self-care. Let them know if you need to do something before you can start listening.
Assume positive intentions. Recognize when the other is trying their best, even if they don’t get it perfect.
Apologize and adjust. When you miss the mark, own up to it and make a mental note for next time.
It can be helpful to appreciate each other’s natural strengths. For instance, one person might be great at listening and another at problem-solving - both are valuable in their own ways.
Self-Care for You as the Supporter
Supporting others can take a lot of energy, so caring for yourself is important too. If you push yourself to your limits, you might feel burnt out or resentful. Try to avoid this by:
Being clear about what you can and can’t do and communicate this ahead of time.
Pointing them toward other forms of help when needed.
Leaning on your own support network - you don’t have to carry everything alone.
Remember that even small gestures, like simply being present, can still make a big difference without completely draining you.
Supporting one another through difficult times takes practice and patience. The good news is you don’t have to be perfect at it. What matters is being there for each other in ways that feel genuine and meaningful.
Going forward, I encourage you to take the first step - start a conversation with a loved one today about how you can support each other during difficult times. Small moments of openness can build deeper emotional connections in the long term, and planning ahead can make it easier to know how to show up when things feel tough.
Further Exploration:
Small Things Often Podcast (The Gottman Institute) episodes: https://www.gottman.com/blog/introducing-the-small-things-often-podcast/
“Why You Should Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner’s Feelings” (January 25, 2022)
“How to Support Your Partner When You’re Hurting Too” (June 16, 2021)
The Gottman Institute Blog - How to Have a Stress-Reducing Conversation - https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-stress-reducing-conversation/
RSA Shorts - Brené Brown on Empathy - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
“3 Ways to Get a Loved One to Support You During Tough Times” blog post by Susan Krauss Whitbourne (via Psychology Today) https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/202403/3-ways-to-get-a-loved-one-to-support-you-during-tough-times
“The Best Way to Support a Partner May Be Invisibly” blog post by Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. (via Psychology Today) https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships/202106/the-best-way-to-support-a-partner-may-be-invisibly
Sources:
Cramer, D. (2006). How a supportive partner may increase relationship satisfaction. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 34(1), 117-131. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/03069880500483141
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. Norton.
Schroeder, J., & Fishbach, A. (2024). Feeling known predicts relationship satisfaction. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 111(March 2024), 104559. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2023.104559.
Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck, D. F. Hay, S. E. Hobfoll, W. Ickes, & B. M. Montgomery (Eds.), Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions (pp. 367-389). John Wiley & Sons.
