Understanding People-Pleasing: A Journey Towards Authenticity

Sep 30

Written By: Victoria Silver (she/her), M.Ed., Registered Psychologist

The term “people-pleasing” can bring up a mix of feelings. For some, it carries a negative meaning, while for others, it might feel like something to be proud of. I know how difficult it can be to “just be yourself,” which is why I wanted to offer a compassionate guide to help you move towards a more authentic way of being. My goal here is to encourage self-reflection and self-exploration. Before we can learn to communicate differently in relationships, it’s important to get clear on what we actually feel, want, and need. This can be particularly challenging for those of us who are used to focusing on others before ourselves.

What is People-Pleasing?

For this blog, we’ll define people-pleasing as a pattern of behaviour where you put the needs and desires of others ahead of your own. Rather than taking the time to think about your feelings, needs, and boundaries, people-pleasing often shows up as an anxious or automatic reaction to please others. Some common traits associated with this behaviour include a strong desire for approval, anxiety, avoiding conflict, and perfectionism.

People-Pleasing and Early Life Experiences

People-pleasing isn’t an identity—it’s a learned behaviour, often rooted in early experiences. While it’s not true that everyone who engages in people-pleasing has experienced trauma, it can help to look at this behaviour through the lens of the fawn response. The fawn response is one of the four survival responses, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. In fawning, you attempt to secure safety and connection by pleasing others, often to the point of merging with their needs and desires.

Some early experiences that may trigger a fawn response include having a violent or emotionally unavailable caregiver, growing up in a high-conflict or conflict-avoidant family, experiencing an abusive partner, or facing racism or discrimination. These situations can make it feel unsafe to say no, express disagreement, or show your true self.

As adults, people-pleasing can become ingrained and even rewarded in different areas of life, like school, work, social settings, and relationships.

When Does People-Pleasing Get in Your Way?

While people-pleasing may seem like a way to keep things running smoothly, it can actually harm your well-being and relationships. If you notice that you’re constantly people-pleasing in different situations and with many people, it may be time to explore whether this pattern is helping or hurting you. Some signs that people-pleasing might be negatively affecting you include feeling resentful, disconnected, or lonely; feeling exhausted or burned out; and avoiding conflict so much that it prevents you from resolving issues.

Moving Towards Authenticity: A Reflective Exercise

One way to begin showing up more authentically is by reflecting on your relationships. Think about the people in your life—friends, family, romantic partners, coworkers, etc. Now, choose two people: one who brings out the most people-pleasing in you, and one who brings out your most authentic self.

Find some quiet time to reflect on these relationships. You might want to close your eyes, journal, or talk it through. Here are some questions to guide your reflection:

For the person who triggers your people-pleasing:

What thoughts come up when you think of them?
Who do you feel you need to be around them?
What emotions do you feel when you think about them?
Where do you feel these emotions in your body?

For the person who brings out your authentic self:

How is this relationship different?
What makes it easier to be yourself with them?
What emotions arise when you think of this person?
Where do you feel these emotions in your body?

These insights can serve as a felt sense and guide for navigating future relationships.

Why Do We Crave Authentic Connections?

If you’re not used to paying attention to how relationships make you feel, you might be wondering what to look for in more authentic connections. Here are some qualities that tend to show up in more genuine relationships:

Feeling truly known and understood
Being valued for who you are, not what you do
A sense of trust and emotional safety
Reciprocity in support and communication
The freedom to say no, set boundaries, and disagree
Feeling rested and energized, rather than “on” or anxious
The ability to work through conflict together

Checking In With Yourself

Before you can show up authentically with others, it’s important to start showing up authentically with yourself. If you’ve spent a long time focusing on others’ needs, it may take practice to tune into your own. Start by pausing, breathing, and noticing what’s going on inside. For example, before saying yes to a request, take a moment to reflect on how you really feel about it. Journaling, creating art, or talking it through with someone you trust can also help.

Practicing Different Communication

As you work on communicating more authentically in relationships, be kind to yourself. You won’t wake up one day and suddenly be your fully authentic self—it’s a process that takes time, practice, and patience. Start small. For instance, the next time a friend or partner asks what you’d like to do, instead of saying, “whatever you want,” take a moment to think about what you really want and express it. This is a simple, low-pressure way to practice checking in with yourself and communicating what’s true for you.

Embracing Change

Moving toward authenticity often involves both loss and growth. You may find that some relationships no longer serve you, and that’s okay. In return, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of yourself and what truly matters to you.

People-pleasing is a survival strategy you’ve learned, and it’s something you can use when necessary. But as you move toward a more authentic and fulfilling life, you can begin to let go of it, one step at a time.

I know it can feel scary to start showing your true self—it can feel like you’re opening yourself up to rejection or misunderstanding. But by taking those first steps, you’re moving toward being truly seen and known for who you are.

References:

Walker, P. (2018). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. (P. Brion, Narr.) [Audiobook] Tantor Audio