Holiday Boundaries
December 21, 2023
Written by Courtney Edwards, M.C., Registered Provisional Psychologist, Risewell Psychology
Welcome to December! The holiday season, while joyous, often brings a mix of emotions—excitement, dread, uncertainty, longing, guilt, and anticipation. At Risewell, inspired by insights from Priya Parker’s book, The Art of Gathering and the Good Inside Podcast episode Reclaim the Holidays for YOU, we're delving into the world of holiday gatherings and the importance of setting boundaries for a more meaningful and enjoyable season. Reflecting on why we gather, and what we need to get through the gatherings can help prepare us to experience a little more peace and pleasure this holiday season.
Boundaries when Hosting or Organizing an Event
Let’s start with some considerations for those hosting or organizing an event this holiday season. In the Art of Gathering, Priya Parker, expert conflict facilitator, encourages anyone hosting a gathering to reflect on the specific purpose of that gathering. Figuring out the purpose of why we are gathering may be a new concept for you. It certainly was for us! Priya encourages people to draw on their experiences over the past few years when we navigated holidays and special events through the pandemic to help determine:
What did you long for? What did you miss? What did you crave?
Who did you feel sorrow that you couldn’t see? Who couldn’t you wait to see and hug?
What obligations did you miss during the pandemic that you were really happy to skip?
What did you invent with family and friends during the pandemic that felt good?
What might you experiment with now?
Identifying your desires, company, and preferred atmosphere can help lead to a clear purpose. Stating this purpose can be communicated kindly so that everyone understands the shared goal for the event. According to Priya, telling a story in your invitation about why you're bringing these specific people together, for this specific moment, is not only more interesting, but allows boundaries for the event to be set. For example, maybe it's a friends only event, and you really want the purpose to be reconnecting amongst friends who don't spend much time together, so significant others and kids aren’t invited this time.
Once the why is told, offer the logistics of date, time, location and what to do or bring. This is a good place to outline any “rules” for the event; maybe certain topics are off limits because it distracts from the purpose (i.e., work, kids, vaccines) or if anyone doesn't dress for the theme they have to sing a song in front of everyone else! The more specific you can be, the better. By virtue of accepting your invitation, your guests are agreeing to these boundaries ahead of time, and this reduces risk of surprises, defensiveness and slights during the event itself. By drawing boundaries ahead of time, you leave room for negotiation, which is part of the normal give and take in relationships (note, this is different than having your boundaries trampled, and discerning the difference is a good skill to practice).
Boundaries for Guests of an Event
Now, let’s turn our attention to boundary considerations for guests. Have you ever been told, felt, or worried that setting boundaries is selfish? If you’re trying to decide if the boundary you want to set is selfish, Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, recommends asking yourself if you have the energy, time, and resources to meet this person’s request and still be OK afterward. Ask yourself, if I meet this request will I have everything I need to meet my own needs, goals, and existing commitments? If not, then your needs and limitations require a boundary. Remember, having boundaries makes you human because we all have needs and limitations.
If you can’t or don’t want to attend something, say no early. This is far kinder than flaking at the last minute and will allow the host to plan accordingly. You can also negotiate with the host/organizer! Say it’s a ‘no-kids’ party, and you agree to come as long as they understand you will be keeping your phone on you and checking it frequently. Maybe you’ll arrive after the start time and only stay for two hours. You can also offer an alternative, like “no we won’t be joining you for christmas dinner, but we will see you at the boxing day lunch.”
How to Set Boundaries
When thinking about your holiday gatherings and the boundaries you want to set, remember that boundaries are tools to care for yourself, honour your needs and limitations, and live in alignment with your values. To create your boundary, grab a notepad and pen and reflect on the following:
Think about what you value and what is important to you. Take time to reflect on how these values make you feel, and how you feel when you don’t act in alignment with these values.
Next, identify how you will know if someone is crossing your boundary. What will they say or do? It can be helpful to imagine why they might be acting in that way. Could they feel rejected, or lonely? While you are not responsible for their feelings, having some empathy helps us stay calm when we meet their response.
Find the specific words for your boundary, communicating the experience that is important to you and the action you are committed to take. Keep it short and direct. This could sound like:
“I’m not going to be drinking alcohol tonight and don’t want to feel pressured. if you continue to offer me drinks I will leave.”
“I will come to dinner, and will leave by 8pm”
“I don’t want to discuss my relationship status. Let’s change to another topic so we can continue our conversation.”
Take action if your boundary is violated and prepare for a negative reaction. This is probably the most uncomfortable part and why it’s so important to feel confident that the boundary you set allows you to act in alignment with your values and/or needs (this can help to counteract guilt). You don’t need to persuade someone of the validity of your boundary, or take responsibility for their emotions or reactions. You can acknowledge the impact with a phrase like “I can see this upsets you, and I understand.” or “I imagine this is not the outcome you wanted”. These statements offer empathy and compassion for the other person without taking responsibility.
Take care of yourself. What will you need to cope with the discomfort if someone is upset with you for acting on your boundaries? Do you need a phone call with a supporter? To scream in your car? The goal here is to regulate your nervous system, so plan for healthy coping. Eating nutritious foods, resting and moving all help you tolerate and get through those uncomfortable emotions. Part of what makes boundaries uncomfortable is a fear of upsetting others and being rejected. Take steps to comfort and nurture yourself after setting a difficult boundary.
Navigating holiday boundaries is complex, and we can’t possibly cover it all in one blog post. If you find yourself thinking, "if only it were that easy," reflect on what's impeding progress. Sometimes, these challenges highlight areas needing change or attention. Working with a trained therapist can help you learn more about yourself, including your needs and values, and discern the skills to set boundaries.
As the holiday season unfolds with opportunities for joy and new memories, offer yourself compassion amidst obligations and stressors. Setting boundaries is a journey, and with self-care and reflection, it can become a path towards a more fulfilling holiday season. Happy Holidays, folks!
